Hurts Like Hell
by wickedfrominnocence
Summary: A drabble I did on my Bucky Barnes RP blog on tumblr about Bucky loving Peggy first. Song: "Hurts Like Hell" - Fleurie


_How can I say this without breaking_  
 _How can I say this without taking over_  
 _How can I put it down into words_  
 _When it's almost too much for my soul alone_

 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _And it hurts like hell_  
 _Yeah it hurts like hell_

She's his superior; a woman he's suppose to she the upmost respect to and a woman whose orders he is suppose to follow no matter what. It's all 'yes ma'am's from him at first– salutes and straight faces. At least until he lets himself truly take in how beautiful she is; all curves and long legs and red lips he would love to kiss until the red has faded away. That's when it turns to salutes and smiles or salutes followed by a wink as he turns on his heel to leave and follow her command.

You see, Bucky Barnes knew her first. Bucky was under Peggy's command (and spell) long before Steve was given the offer to take the serum that would change his life forever. So you can see why, now that his best friend is entirely smitten with Agent Peggy Carter, he can't bring himself to tell her how he's felt toward her for some months now. Doing so would break Steve and Bucky wouldn't know how to pick up the pieces, so he lets his own heart shatter instead and does the best he can to put it back together in time.

 _I don't want them to know the secrets_  
 _I don't want them to know the way I loved you_  
 _I don't think they'd understand it, no_  
 _I don't think they would accept me, no_

 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _And it hurts like hell_  
 _Yeah it hurts like hell_

He's never shared with Steve how he use to sneak up behind Peggy and tug a curl out of place only to have his hand swatted away as she offered him a stern look. Nor has he told Steve about the time he finally caved and asked if he could kiss her. It was nighttime and they should have been tucked into their cots in their respective places of camp, but Bucky had snuck out and caught her walking the grounds. It was easy for him to grab her hand and tug her behind the building which housed her sleeping quarters; guiding her to a shadowed spot just in case anyone else should wake. He asked and she'd said yes and he was so overjoyed that he finally had a chance that he nearly missed her mouth the first time 'round.

"No, I can do better," he'd breathed out before swooping in for another kiss, this time slotting their lips together just right as his hands found home on her waist and held her close to him. He was breathless by the time he pulled back and rested his forehead against hers. She, on the other hand, was perfectly poised even as her lips curved into a smirk and she reminded him that he should be in his own quarters or she would have to report him. With that, he'd slipped away, but that wasn't the only night the two had been close.

 _Dreams fight with machines_  
 _Inside my head like adversaries_  
 _Come wrestle me free_  
 _Clean from the war_

 _Your heart fits like a key_  
 _Into the lock on the wall_  
 _I turn it over, I turn it over_  
 _But I can't escape_  
 _I turn it over, I turn it over_

Bucky's mind still can't entirely grasp how Peggy was alive and well in this century, but, then again, his mind wasn't entirely his own yet. It was a constant battle for him; was that vision truly a memory or was it something his mind had simply made up to fill in missing time? He wasn't sure he'd ever know. The only thing he knew for sure was that Peggy seemed to know the difference; she could always supply the true report of what had happened even if Bucky's mind couldn't. He wanted to rely on that– on her– but that would mean taking her time away from Steve and Bucky couldn't bring himself to do that. So he kept to himself more; kept a journal of memories he knew to be true, ones that Peggy had confirmed whenever she did see him.

It's been years since that young, wide-eyed boy had joined the army and been under her command, but she still held his heart, broken as it was. He saw the way she looked at Steve, like he'd hung the moon just for her, or how she smiled so brightly around him. She'd never quite looked at him like that. She never would.

You see, Bucky Barnes is loyal to a fault and he wouldn't dare hurt his best friend or the woman he has loved for so many years. So he watches from a distance and feels his chest clench from jealousy because he wishes it were him twining his fingers with hers; wishes he could steal just one more kiss from those perfectly painted on lips. He does his best to pick up the pieces of the broken man he's become and move on because if there was one man who truly deserved Peggy, it was Steve, and if there was one woman who deserved Steve, it was Peggy.

 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _I loved and I loved and I lost you_  
 _And it hurts like hell_


End file.
